You have a courageous wife. She has just begun a bible study that will lead her through healing for her sexual past - whether from her own choices, or other's choices forced on her, as in abuse or rape. She's here because God has shown her how the sexual wounding in her past is still impacting her today, as well as your marriage. And she needs healing so that she can be set free to become all God intends her to be, as a woman, mother, as a child of God, and as your wife.
The world says we can have sex and then move on to the next relationship without consequence. But God designed sex to bond us together, emotionally, physically and spiritually - even physiologically. Recent science has revealed that we release chemicals and hormones when we have sex that creates an intense bond. And all the bonds we create outside marriage can keep us from having the kind of bond God intended inside marriage.
God's plan to save sex for marriage was not to spoil our fun, but to protect us from creating ungodly bonds that would one day hurt our marriage.
Until we heal. Which is why your wife is here. She loves you. She cares about your relationship. She wants to grow closer to you emotionally and physically. She desires that your marriage be the best it can be. She's trusting God to heal the wounds she's carried because of her past, grieve the losses she's experienced, replace lies with God's truth, and sever the ungodly bonds she's created outside marriage that are keeping her from completely bonding to you.
How can you help? Well first you need to know that you can't fix your wife, only God can. But He will use you in this healing journey as you support, encourage, and walk alongside her. As God brings up her painful past, be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions; sadness, anger, regret, and an abundance of tears. At first she may appear to take out her emotions on you, as if you're to blame.
Be patient, loving and gentle. Let her express her feelings to you without judgment, or the need to 'fix' her. As God reveals new insights to her, she may want to share these with you. Listen. Let her cry. Give her the time she needs to process all God is showing her. I also suggest that you read one of the books that accompanies this study that explains what sexual bonding is about, how it happens, how it impacts us and how you can have healing - The Invisible Bond, How To Break Free From Your Sexual Past, or Kiss Me Again; Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage, both by Barbara Wilson. Your wife's journey is not just for her alone. But possibly for you, and most definitely for your marriage.
Also be prepared that for a short time, the pain associated with sex in her past may trigger a disinterest in sex with you. If that happens, remember two things: it won't last long, and it's not about you.
Healing will set her free. To love you more, to give herself to you more—without restraint emotionally and physically. This means she'll have more desire for you. She'll be less resistant to your advances, more willing to have sex, and will respond and enjoy sex more with you. It doesn't mean she'll want sex every night, or that she'll never say no again, but healing will set her free to risk loving and being loved again. And yes, that will result in better sex.
You can trust your wife with us. We've been in her place, and God has healed us and our marriages so we can offer the support, direction, hope and courage your wife needs. And you can trust your wife to God. He has great plans for her, you and your marriage. Not to harm her, but to heal her, to give her hope, peace, joy and a better future with you.
Feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns as your wife goes through this study. And get ready to witness a miracle right before your eyes.
Someone who has great respect for you has asked you to walk through a healing journey with her. Because of the nature of this healing journey, Barbara Wilson, author of the book, Kiss Me Again; Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage recommended that she enlist the support of a friend to walk alongside her. Your friend is trusting God to heal her sexual past, whether from her own choices, or someone else’s choice force on her. Your role in the participant’s healing will be significant. You will offer the following to the woman you’re supporting:
A listening ear; Confidentiality; Consistency; Accountability; Biblical insight; Wisdom; Love; Grace; Prayer support.
The structure of your individual relationship will be up to you and your friend. However, we recommend if possible that you meet with her for one hour each week to discuss what God is teaching her through this book. This is helpful because she will be able to process with you what God is saying to her and allows you to affirm what God is doing in her life. It will also hold her accountable to complete the exercises in this book.If once a week is not possible we suggest that you talk and pray together once or twice a week by phone, and try to meet on alternate weeks. I have discovered that those who meet face to face with their support person have the greatest amount of success in their healing.
Your friend needs you to listen to her with compassion, love her unconditionally, and keep what she shares confidential. She has been instructed to share with you specific insights to various exercises in this book, specifically from chapters 5 and 6. In addition there is a bible study at the back of this book that you can work through with her to take her to a deeper level of intimacy with God, and greater healing. You may find that God has something for you as well as you walk this path with her.
If you have concerns about the woman you are supporting - if she exhibits signs of deep depression or seems suicidal, please assist her in seeing her doctor or a professional counselor. You may also email me through my website with any questions or concerns as you walk this journey together.
Thank you so much for allowing God to use you!!